15 Reasons He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel

The defensive response is the behavior that shows that you feel people are criticizing your words and actions.

Humans always want to communicate what we want, see, and feel, especially to our loved ones, and this is effective communication between people in relationships.

15 Reasons He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel

So what then leads to defensive responses from a man?
The reason could be a fault from us or even a fault from him too. In this post, 15 reasons a man gets defensive when he is let into someone’s feelings will be outlined and discussed.

1 He Lacks Emotional Maturity

He is not mature emotionally. Emotional maturity is not determined based on the age of a person. After all, age is just a number. He is not emotionally mature enough to understand when you tell him your feelings and will act according to his level of maturity.

He will act on the defensive as a means to shy away from responsibilities. This means that sometimes it is not about what you say, but the state of the person listening to you as it plays a key role in what you will be responded with.

In the case where he lacks emotional maturity, then you are advised to leave. You will always get the same heartbreaking responses, except he owns up to reality.


2. He Doesn’t Want To Appear Vulnerable

A man who does not want to look soft, womanly,y or vulnerable will always put a counteract to try to prove it. He feels that if he always accepts what you say, you can use him. To act like a man, who is above you, he will be defensive.

Countering your feelings leaves an impression in your mind and the relationship. The best way to work this out is to assure him that he is not vulnerable as he thinks. He has to think highly of himself and have self-esteem too.

3. External Influences

Acting defensive may not be your man’s sole idea but that of some external factors such as his friends, books, movies, colleagues, family, etc. These people and things have a great influence on the mind and decisions of a person.

Your man could be subdued by the opinions of other people who think that it is the best way to deal with your feelings. If suggestions and offers easily sway him, then it would take no time for him to change into the defensive and unyielding man in the relationship. If your man’s friends are defensive, there is a great tendency that he will end up being defensive too.

5. He Feels Attacked

He feels you are against him and would want to defend himself against it. He feels that whatever he does is not enough for you and will try to prove that he has done his best in the relationship.


6. He Is Acting Out Of Impulse

His defensive responses could be a reflex action. It may seem the best thing to do at the moment and not have any other cause. Being defensive to him, maybe the only way to respond other than to snub you or remain speechless. Most times, the actions could be born out of spontaneity.

His defensive responses could also result from the fact that he does not want to show that he was caught off guard by your feelings.

7. He Lacks Communication Skills

The ability to communicate effectively is a skill that everyone should have, especially those in relationships. A man who lacks communication skills will always go defensive whenever you tell him how you feel.

This is because he does not know the proper way to express himself too. Owing to this, he will always try to defend himself even when it is not necessary.

Effective communication also entails understanding what is being said by a person. When a man cannot understand what he is listening to properly, then he will think out his thoughts and act on them.

8. You Blame Him Everytime

A nagging person will always be avoided. If you keep blaming him, he will always act and speak on the defensive. He is just trying to defend himself against your accusations.

Instead of being offended and provocative, he will counter every word you utter against him, shielding himself from the effects your words should have on him.

In this case, he deems it the only way to be sane, even when you accuse him of things he did not do. It is just like a person backed into a wall, and he has only one option: to brace up and fight back.


9. He Is Emotionally Unavailable

One could be emotionally unavailable in his relationship. He is available physically and financially but not emotionally. Sometimes it could be because he does not feel for you the same way you feel about him.

It could also result from trying to portray the “maleish” syndrome, not getting emotionally and psychologically attached to the woman he is in a relationship with.

He could also be in the relationship just to get sexual benefits. This clouds and blocks out any room for emotions. In this case, he will always be defensive, offering reasons for every one of his actions, no matter what you feel.

10. He Can Not Handle Criticism

Any person who says away from criticism and corrections will never accept anyone’s opinion about them, even if the opinion is true. He would rather stick to his opinions and try to ward the criticisms off. He will justify his actions with reasons suitable enough for him.

He does not want to accept that he is wrong or what you feel is right, so he will act and speak in his defense even when it is glaring that he is wrong.

11. He Feels Misunderstood

He feels that you do not understand him anymore. When a person is always misunderstood, they tend to avoid being in contact with others. Being defensive is his way of showing that you misunderstand him, and that he wants you to have a better understanding of him.

He will persistently try to prove you wrong, to show that he has intentions you never thought of. In this case, he is only trying to pass a message across to you and will not stop until you try to understand him.

12. He Has Lost Interest

Does acting defensive mean that he has lost interest?
It could likely be a sign that he is no longer interested in the relationship. When a man has lost interest, he will try to show it in words and actions.

Even when it is not necessary, he will be defensive. He will defend his actions even when he is supposed to apologize and has offended you.

When such things happen, it would be pertinent to find out the causes. Speak to him about it, or he will never see faults in his actions and make you feel like you are against him.

13. He Is Indecisive

An indecisive person will always make wrong decisions. He will end up giving defensive responses to your feelings because he does not know how to react to them.

As humans, the best way to react in situations where we do not know the best decision to make is to pick what is beneficial to us. This also implies relationships. Your man will choose to defend himself because he has no other options.

14. He Has Been Through Trauma

Trauma has many negative effects on a person’s mind and actions, changing how a person responds to actions and situations. A traumatized one would likely be defensive because he fears accepting whatever you have to see, and he thinks that they will affect his mind.

A traumatized person would not want to open up, so he will not offer his thoughts to people and try to shield himself from the world. If your man has been traumatized, you risk getting defensive answers, gestures, and actions whenever you air your feelings.

15. He Is Embarrassed

The feeling of embarrassment on a person could lead to a lot of responses, and acting defensive is one of them. If the way you express your feelings or the feelings make him feel embarrassed, he will act defensively. Whatever actions he carries out will be to save his face.

No man would always want to look stupid in front of anyone, especially the person he is in a relationship with. He may feel that you always want him to be embarrassed and try to protect himself from such occurrences.


Defensive reactions may be right or wrong. What matters is knowing how to react to the causes. It could be a sign to keep your feelings to yourself or be clear when discussing them. Whatever the cause, try to resolve it or leave the relationship.

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